The Art of Sucking Down

A friend who worked at O'Hare International Airport told me this story. He once watched a passenger absolutely scream at an airline ticket agent. The ticket agent, however, remained completely calm. After the tirade was over, my friend asked her how she could remain so calm, and she said, “That's easy. He's going to Paris, but his bags are going to Sydney.”

One of the great misconceptions of selling, pitching, and partnering--basically, any time you want to get someone to do something for you--is that you should suck up to the people with the big titles and “A list” designation. Sometimes you do--as you've already read in this blog, but the ability to suck up to the folks who don't have big titles but make the world run is more useful.

1. Understand the dynamic. Like it or not, here's how the world works: if you want something, you should be nice to the person (let's call him “Biff”) who can grant you that something. It doesn't matter whether you are more powerful, more famous, richer, better looking, or better educated. Biff has the power, so deal with it. Returning to the ticket agent episode, it makes no sense to piss off the one person who can help you. In this sense, there is no such thing as “sucking down.” You're always sucking up when you want something.

2. Understand their needs. You should try being a ticket agent, flight attendant, secretary, receptionist, waiter, or customer service rep for a day. Then you'd learn that they're not getting paid a lot of money to put up with your crap, and they're dealing with their own sets of issues: perhaps a broken-down car, an unhappy spouse, a sick child at home, and maybe even a bozo boss. These people want to do a good job, make a living, and be happy, just as you do. The key word here is empathy. If you can empathize with them, you'll be much more successful dealing with them.

3. Be important. If you want to be treated as an important customer then be an important customer. That is, fly the same airline, eat at the same restaurant, and play hockey at the same rink. If you spread your business around, then don't be surprised if you get jacked around. I only eat at three restaurants in all of Silicon Valley: Gombei, Juban, and Buck's. I can get in anytime I want at these three restaurants--but only these three restaurants. I fly on United seventy five to 100 times a year. It takes great care of me. I fly Air Canada once a year. It puts me in a coach-class, center seat between two screaming babies. That's life.

4. Make them smile. A window occurs in the first thirty seconds of your interaction with Biff. In that brief time, if you can make him smile, you will differentiate yourself from 95% of the orifices that he deals with. Then you're much more likely to get an aisle seat, an appointment with the boss, an outside table, or step-by-step instructions to make Word print.

Simply beginning a conversation with, “How is your day going?” can break the ice. You know, and he knows, that you don't really care how his day is going, but at least you're civil enough to ask. That separates you from the pack of hyenas. Here are some opening lines that have worked for me. (Please provide more as comments because you can never have too many good ice breakers.)

• Restaurant maître'd: “Do you have reservations?” You answer: “I have no reservations whatsoever. I am absolutely certain that I want to eat here.”
• Airline ticket agent: “How can I help you?” You answer: “You could give me an upgrade to first class and ensure that my bag is the first one off the conveyor when I get there, but I'd be happy if you get me an aisle seat.”
• Secretary: “Will she know what you're calling about?” You answer: “Not unless she's clairvoyant and a masochist. But can I try to explain why you should grant me an audience with her?”

5. Don't try to buy your way in. Don't try to buy a person with flowers, candy, or an iTunes gift card. Realistically, the downside risk far exceeds the upside because you're likely to insult Biff by implying that he can be bought. Just be honest, be important, and have a legitimate rationale. That's a good enough case.

6. But do express your gratitude on the way out. I don't recommend trying to buy your way in, but once you are in, then it's appropriate to express your gratitude with gifts that are kind, but not extravagant. As my mother used to say, “Be nice to people on the way up because you're going to see them again on the way down.” You never know when you'll need help from Biff again.

7. Never complain. Let's say that you don't get what you want. Should you go over Biff's head and complain? This is seldom effective. Assuming that Biff is competent, he's not going to get fired because of your whining. Historically, pee is seldom more effective than honey. Persevere, and wear down Biff's defenses with humor, dedication, and empathy, but never go over his head.

8. Rack up the karmic points. I believe that there's a karmic scoreboard in the sky. It keeps track of how many points you've earned and how many you've used. Therefore, when you have the opportunity to help others, do so--and do so with glee. You'll build up points, and someday your kindness will be returned to you. However, understand that you need to accrue these points before you need them--you cannot go negative.

9. Accept what cannot be changed. Sometimes things are just not meant to be: there are no more aisle seats, all the outside tables are taken, and the boss doesn't want to talk to any sales reps. If that's the case, shut up, and go on with life. Don't flatter yourself and believe that the airline is out to get you by assigning all the aisle seats to others. Life is too short to get upset by things like this.

I wholeheartedly recommend that you try these practices because I always seem to get an aisle seat, almost always get upgraded, and my luggage never gets sent to Australia. And getting to the same destination as your bags in a lousy seat is a helluva lot better than getting to a different destination than your bags in a lousy seat--all because you pissed Biff off.

Written at: United Airlines flight #559, Chicago to San Jose, upgraded to first class on less than twenty-four hours notice.

Comments

[Rick Dobbs]

Not to argue, but if you're in the 100k club on any airline, they're going to kiss ass.

Thanks for #2 though. I think that is the most easily forgotten one.

[Franklin Davis]

Advice from a seasoned traveler worked for me: when the agent says, "I'm sorry, I'm not able to do that" you gently say to them, "Surely there must be someone who can do that -- may I please speak to that person?" In my case, the agent himself went ahead and did the re-booking, tedious as it was, saving me many hours.

[David Corbett]

I was on a flight from Manchester UK to Dublin Ireland. It was delayed for 2 hours, then 4, then 6. People were fuming and ranting at the blameless ticket service people. I was frustrated also but accepted things go wrong and tried to be pleasant to the ticket service people who were in a difficult situation. Eventually, when I came back and got my ticket, one of the staff singled me out and handed me two tickets to a pop concert to be held that evening in Dublin - she herself would not now make it as her own flight to Dublin was now postponed to the following morning because of the delays. Myself and my son made the concert that evening with ten minutes to spare and had a wonderful time. I'll never forget that lesson.

[Matt]

My g/f used to manage busy cafe in Windsor, UK. Regulars got great service, 'upgrades', cake etc, everybody else got speedy efficient service. Sometimes customers would spit their dummy out because something was wrong, usually what they thought they ordered and what they actually did. She was always so professional, for that I have a lot of respect. I'm sure I could not have that restraint... I'm always polite to waiters, not least because I don't want any unwelcome additions to my meal!

[Richard K Miller]

My sales professor used to put a tiny red dot on his nose in his driver's license photo. When he would show his license at the airport, the red dot would invariably cause the attendant to look closely at the photo in disbelief. In the meantime, he would take a red clown noise from his pocket and put it on. The attendant would look up, see that the photo "matched", and was sure to smile.

[W.P. Wily]

I do e-mail tech support for a software company, and boy do I get a LOT of rude mail. The majority of the time, the customer has done something wrong, but their very first e-mail will be a curse-ridden rant about our crappy product and service. They don't bother to tell you what they've done or tried, "it doesn't work" is usually the most detailed information I get. Then I get the ones that say, "I can't get this to work and I've tried x and y. Can you help?" Well, guess which one goes to the top of the queue and which one gets to "age properly"? Everybody gets a courteous and helpful reply, it's just that some get it faster than others :)

My "flies and honey" story is in my personal life as an assistant soccer coach. During one game, our coach spent most of a game haranguing a young woman side judge about her poor offside calls (he really deserved a card). I was so embarrassed that I spoke to her afterwards to apologize, and during the conversation made a new friend. Fast forward to 2 games later, the same woman is again the side judge and I was standing on the sideline with one of my players. Another offside situation occurred, not an easy one to spot, and I remarked to the player next to me, "did you see where number 10 was, he was off". All of a sudden, whoosh the side judge raised her flag. No one likes being yelled at when their trying to do their job.

[Jacques]

It is also true for internet. How many times do I receive some rude "demand" from a visitor?
I always try to provide useful reply, but sometimes you can go the extra-mile for one who thanked you for the info provided, wrote in correct english and was just nice.

It always help to be polite!

[Alan Gutierrez]

There are few people that I could conceivably look down on. It's quite simple for me to pleasant to folks, not sure why.

What I found living in the North, is that people tend to go into "bad service mode", and receiving bad service permits them an opportunity to be indignant in fashion that suits a royal.

In the South, in New Orleans, if you behave in such a way, there are many places where you will simply not be served. It's inexcusable.

Which is why, when something offends me, I'm careful to observe myself. I find that you can reveal your insecurities with preceision when you take the slightest offense. An indignant show of force is a show of weakness for those watching.

[RK]

Guy - I am an ex-bootcamper (2000, SFO). My first startup failed but absolutely hold the lessons learned dear and they are as fresh even after six years. Thanks again. Issue with #3 ("...eat at the same restaurant"). I am not sure this list item works in this particular situation. Sometimes the restaurant folks, if you frequent them often, take you a little too casually, that eye contact is gone, they are looking past you as if (yeah, I see you every day, what's new?) the real customer is behind you. I've heard it from one or two friends and experienced this myself. Nothing's changed, you tip the same, you order the same food, you have the same smile, but the response back is on a gradual decline. One can always tip more to encourage them to loose this attitude, but then you'd rather find someplace else to eat.

RK

[Smittie]

Excellent points, Guy. Thanks for reminding me.

Aloha

[vinnie mirchandani]

sorry, still will avoid United. But your other tips are really good. Employees are often not to blame - processes are. Often I will complain about a process, not Biff.

You may enjoy a series of posts I have on my blog under Business Process Angioplasty on my blog www.dealarchitect.typepad.com

[Sarah Perez]

Fabulous post!

Still, I wish we could all be nice to each other, even when we don't want something! :)

[Ted]

I recommend learning the names of the folks who clean your office at night.

It won't get you an upgrade or anything, but if your working late, it's really nice to be able to have a human interaction.

[BlogReader]

Along your lines of putting yourself in their shoes: I think everyone should have to ride a motorcycle for a summer. By being out there naked on the street you'll learn to pick up how many morans are out there and how to avoid them.

Also it'll make you a far better driver as you have to become one with the road in order to survive.

I suppose this could be generalized to be imagining being in the most vulernable position that one could be in at a given moment. Then act accordingly, whether that is to see how to help that person or how to get out of the situation without hurting yourself (or others).

[Zoli Erdos]

The Navy Lighthouse story in the previous comment is hilarious.Fake, but a good joke :-)
http://www.chinfo.navy.mil/navpalib/questions/litehuse.html

[Thomas Kang]

This conversation about sucking up/down reminded me of a story I read (and saved) years ago. Most have probably heard this one, but here it is anyway:

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that
you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five
degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the
safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. It's your call.

[Thomas Kang]

I've been helping Guy from time to time on his blog (all I really do is catch a typo here and there), and can therefore attest to Guy's genuineness with respect to the contents of this post.

He sucks down to me so much that my wife is beginning to get jealous! :-)

I found it somewhat surprising when a number of people were startled by his first post, "The Art of Sucking Up," when all Guy was really saying was that you should be nice to everyone--always. This post may confirm that idea publicly, but I have a sneaky feeling that Guy never stopped sucking ever since he got weaned off his mother's breast milk. So much so that The Art of the Start indexes "sucking down," but not "sucking up."

Coming soon, to complete the Sucking Trilogy: Parallel Sucking.

Then again, maybe not.

I have heard rumors, though, that Parallel Sucking may become a winter Olympic sport in 2012. (Guy has to put up with this kind of drivel from me all the time, but he never complains because he's so busy sucking away).

Incidentally, Penn Gillette (of Penn & Teller fame) wrote a blog regarding hassles with airport security. Although the post is a few years old, it has been making the rounds on Reddit recently. The lesson I got from Penn's post was that the only time one might stop sucking up or down is when basic American liberties are at stake--and even then firm politeness is the basic rule to follow. For folks who may be interested, here is the link (if the link doesn't work, try Googling "Penn Gillette airport security"):

http://tinyurl.com/2l3ag

BTW, here's a little universal sucking of my own: I enjoy reading the comments here as much as I do reading Guy's posts--I find them very informative.

[Paul]

I may be alone on this but a lot of this is very 'cheesy' - I don't think it is possible to pre-plan rapport and empathy. Sure there are pointers and some useful tips, but it must be about reacting to the situation (otherwise everybody would do these things and their impact would diminish).

Still it is nice to see people promoting politeness over rudeness, courtesy over ignorance and so forth - long may it continue.

[Eoghan McCabe]

Great post. Makes me think of the priceless advice in Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People".

Keep up the great work on this blog, Guy!

[Stuart Bruce, BMA PR]

Or simply treat everyone else just like you'd like to be treated yourself. Smile, be nice.

[steve]

It is a shame people just cant be nice. Every person you meet in life can have a positive or negative effect on you. Why not make it a positive one. Try a smile and a how you doing today. It works wonders. Build up the good Karma and get rid of the bad attitude and the world is yours.

[Ronny Max]

More than the boss, peers, and even the spouse, the most important person for a successful executive life is the secretary.

By the way, my first assistant taught me that – the hard way!

[Michael]

Half the best ice-breakers I get are those that present themselves through the person ahead of me in line. Especially while travelling. There's always some whiner up there, and I just make sure to look good and compassionate by comparison.

You just use a quick "that must have been fun" or "I don't know him, but I apologize for him - that was ridiculous" and then go about your business. You've set the tone the right way, and often the rep is happy to help. Even if you don't want or get anything special, the nice tone to the interaction is worth it.

[Pierre]

OK to most, but why do you deserve an aisle seat over anyone else? Ask nicely, but seat distribution should be even handed, as should seats in restaurants.

All decisions must pass the "What if every one did this?" test too.

[dg]

I think it's good yer nice to everyone, but I think it's a little weird to call that "sucking down".

Retail and customer service are mighty tough gigs, and anyone with the capacity to hang in through the tough stuff, definitely has qualities to look up to.

It calls to mind the strange melding of person to job. One's paycheck or title really shouldn't be the measure of respect they deserve.

Besides, I have much more respect for the waiter who provided really fast and friendly service to me at dinner during a really busy time than I do for Baby Bush.