Top Ten Quotes: America and Americans (Jon Winokur Delivers Again)

1. America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. Georges Clemenceau

2. America...just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. Hunter S. Thompson

3. We are, after all, a country full of people who came to America to get away from foreigners. P.J. O’Rourke

4. If honesty were a national license plate policy, we’d see:

   Rhode Island: Land of Obscurity

   Oklahoma: The Recruiting Violations State

   Minnesota: Too Damn Cold

   Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die

   California: Freeway Congestion with Occasional Gunfire

   New Jersey: Armpit of the Nation

   North Dakota: Incredibly Boring

   Nebraska: More Interesting than North Dakota

   New York: We’re Not Arrogant, We’re Just Better than You.

   Molly Ivins

5. In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while the article is still on the presses. Calvin Trillin

6. My country, ‘tis of thee
   Sweet land of felony
   Of thee I sing
   Land where my father fried
   Young witches and applied
   Whips to the Quaker’s hide
   And made him spring.
   

   Ambrose Bierce

7. In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact. Marlene Dietrich

8. Americans are the only people in the world known to me whose status anxiety prompts them to advertise their college and university affiliations in the rear window of their automobiles. Paul Fussell

9. The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing. Gamal Abdel Nasser

10. The Americans are certainly great hero-worshipers, and always take their heroes from the criminal classes. Oscar Wilde

11. Americans are broad-minded people. They’ll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn’t drive there’s something wrong with him. Art Buchwald

12. Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it’s in Hamburger Technology. Clive James

13. Food, one assumes, provides nourishment, but Americans eat fully aware that small amounts of poison have been added to improve its appearance and delay its putrefaction. John Cage

14. Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development. Russell Baker

15. When good Americans die they go to Paris; when bad Americans die they go to America. Oscar Wilde

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Comments

[Mandy]

wow you people need to start respecting your country it is the greatest country in the world freedom is fought for every race religion and people and we have the best system of govt how dare anybody that critisizes us. if u dont like it get out because im sure u'll love living in another country where women can't even vote and where anti-semitic governments rule

[dan]

americans are no different then the rest of the world.the majority are not acting very Christlike.the whole world has similar backgrounds in religion but it ends with Jesus.we must unify under Jesus' name to start correecting our worldly problems.

[ian]

There's something so self-referential about putting American down. All my friends, including myself, are either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd generation immigrants. England, India, China, Korea, etc. When you put down America what are you saying about yourself and the rest of the world? Just curious.

[Cliffy]

The posting from Tim in regards to Canaadian beer taste like urine.
Tim, How would you know????

Cliffy

[Dave Everts]

"If honesty were a national license plate policy, we’d see:"...

How about this one for Wisconsin?

"Come to Wisconsin and smell our dairy air"

[Mike Siers]

America is a nation with many flaws, but hopes so vast that only the cowardly would refuse to acknowledge them. ~James Michener

[Yuri]

How true..it seems :)

The funny thing is that quite a number of the quotes were given in the past centuries.

Now, of course, America has other people that are smarter than a broomstick, so do try to be fair next time :)

I'd gather that America has its own way without the millenia of culture and civilization, built from people with certain traits of character (those who left Europe for a number of reasons). Kinda makes one wonder for details, eh?

[Deon]

Nevada: Also known as California, Jr.

[Krasimir [FilmDailies.com]]

I love Hunter S. Thompson quote. I'm doing a collection of these here:

http://www.doctorgonzo.com/

[christina]

#4 refers only to southern California. Northern California is "Freeway congestion, which gives you plenty of time to read bumper stickers."

[Tim]

Two can play at this game. Here's my favorite: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? The taste.

I'm here all week.

[Paul Jardine]

#9 is just about the best quote ever. I frequently wonder, when I'm in meetings with Americans, whether they actually believe all the BS or if there is some hidden agenda that I'm missing.
Americans are definitely the kings of BS!

[Walter Hedderich]

#14 I find weak.

Nicolas Gomez Davila said: "To be a grown-up is a myth from childhood." which is more inspiring, though not reserved for Americans.

[Jordan]

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
~Oscar Wilde

Come on Guy, you can do better than this. Loosen up a bit!

[Dipesh Batheja]

Guy, seems like you have run out of topics. Good way to fill in the gaps till you find something better. So which country is next, i suggest pick one from Asia, how about China, India...

[Morgan Ramsay]

Propaganda! There's an element of truth to each of those quotations. I guess that's why they're humorous.

"America is the only country whose national anthem's lyrics are concerned with the glare of rockets and the bursting of bombs."

"Those Americans pledge allegiance first to a cloth rag that they later conveniently fold and conceal!"

[Ydania]

This is so deliciously wicked
encore..

[Decio]

In reference to 12, a punchline I heard in Italy on Americans: they had feathers in asses and painted faces when we had universities.

Please, next round for the Italians, provided it isn't a too simple task (or too long: the top hundred quotes...)

Tim, the author of the aphorism you cited is Ambrose Bierce.

[Tracy]

Number 4 should have:

Texas: We were our own damn country before we joined America, so don't blame us.

[Tim]

My fave, but don't know who to credit it to:

"War - God's way of teaching Americans geography."

[Jon]

In reference to number 4: I'm from North Dakota and I can tell you at times it may be boring but a more proper line would be one of the following:

"Watch out 'cause I turn at random and won't signal anyway or let you merge"

or

"We don't have cliches and if we did it would include the whole state"

Cheers!