How to Change the World

My iPhone Review

It’s hard to write something about the iPhone that takes a new angle. For the next few days you’ll be seeing hands-on reviews of the iPhone by folks like Walt Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal and David Pogue of the New York Times. Come Friday night, you’ll also see the first customer reactions. Thus, every possible angle is covered.

Lucky for me, AT&T dropped a gift in my lap last night.

I recently installed a landline for Truemors and today, out of the blue, I got a notice that AT&T is turning on DSL for the line. In fact, it was turned on five days ago. There’s only one problem: I never ordered DSL, and I don’t want a Dumb Slow Line. How hard could it be to cancel a service that you never ordered? The back of the order said you can get help via an online chat system 24 x 7. Tally ho!

This is the actual transcript of my support session:

Please wait while we find an agent to assist you…
You are currently at position number 11 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 11 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 11 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 10 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 10 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 10 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 9 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 9 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 9 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 8 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 8 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 7 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 7 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 6 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 6 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 5 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 5 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 3 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 3 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 2 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently at position number 1 in the queue.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.

So far, so good. It’s no big deal that I had to wait because I just had the chat window open and did other things while waiting.

Thank you for contacting AT&T Internet Services, my name is [AT&T Person]. One moment while I review your information.

[AT&T Person]: I see you want to cancel your DSL service, is that correct?

Guy Kawasaki: yes, I never ordered it

[AT&T Person]: I am sorry you are experiencing this issue and will be happy to assist you.

[AT&T Person]: Guy Kawasaki, is 650-329-2020 your DSL phone number?

Guy Kawasaki: yes, I want to keep the number. It’s my business number. I don’t want DSL on it at all.

[AT&T Person]: Do you have a dial up account with us?

Guy Kawasaki: Dial up as in data/dsl? No. 329-2020 is strictly voice for my business.

[AT&T Person]: I see. Please call us up at 1-877-722-3755 under normal business hours and over the prompt, say Orders.

[AT&T Person]: Do you have any questions regarding the information that I just sent to you?

Guy Kawasaki: Why? I’m not adding/ordering anything. I am canceling something I never ordered.

[AT&T Person]: Guy Kawasaki, I am sorry for this inconvenience but please understand that I am a technician.

Guy Kawasaki: Why am I calling this number? So you didn’t take care of canceling DSL. I just wasted 30 minutes?

Guy Kawasaki: Why didn’t you just tell me you can’t cancel a service?

[AT&T Person]: I am sorry. I do understand your frustration. Do you have any questions regarding the information that I just sent to you?

[AT&T Person]: Is there anything else that I may assist you with today?

[AT&T Person]: Before you go, I would like to inform you that you may receive a survey in your email, requesting that you rate the service you received from me. Please take a few minutes to fill this out and let my manager know how I am doing and how satisfied you are with the support you received from AT&T Internet Services.

Holy cow: a survey!

Thank you for using AT&T Yahoo! Chat Support. You will now be disconnected from this session. The chat window will remain open until you close it. For quick answers, make the new AT&T Yahoo! Help site your first stop. Visit http://help.sbcglobal.net where you’ll find pages of product information to assist you. Again, thank you for choosing AT&T Yahoo! Chat Support.

What’s Yahoo! got to do with this? Maybe this is why Terry Semel bit the dust. I guess when the notice said that people can get help 24 x 7 it was only for installation and troubleshooting, not an adminstrative task like canceling an order.

Thank you for using AT&T High Speed Internet. You may now close this window.

Your session has ended. You may now close this window.

Okay, so I call AT&T the next day. I start the process at 11:33 am. At 11:45 am I speak to a human, she does some research, and tells me I need to speak to the DSL folks at 11:52. At 12:00 I’m off hold and speak to the next human. She tells me I need to speak to another department and transfers me. This person does more research and tells me that the order was a mistake (no kidding!) and that it’s already been canceled. At 12:07 I ask him what I should do if I see charges on the next bill. He assures me that it this won’t happen, but if it does, I should call back and tell the person—I’m not making this up—“Stanley canceled this on 6/27/07 at 12:00 pm.” I guess there’s only one “Stanley” who works at AT&T.

At 12:08, thirty-five minutes into it, I think I’ve canceled DSL that I never ordered. Give or take a few minutes, it’s taken a total of sixty eight minutes of my life to do this.

I love Steve. I love Apple. I’m even open to spending more on a phone than a computer, but AT&T? The slowness of its data network is only exceeded by its lack of customer service. Can I just buy an iPhone to use as a PDA to impress my friends, listen to music, watch video, and access the Internet via Wifi while not having anything to do with AT&T? Can you hear me now?

Photo credit: Pia Torelli/Reflex News/WpN

An Open Letter to CXOs

Just read this blog entry by Pam Slim. Pam was a consultant to management (as opposed to a management consultant). In this piece, she lets it rip about what she thinks management does wrong.

Very entertaining. You'll love her spirit. It starts off like this:

I am writing to you as a newly minted rebel. My main purpose in life is to take your best, your brightest, most creative, hard-working and passionate employees and sneak them out the hallways of your large corporation so that they are free of the yoke of lethargy, oppression and resentment.

It hasn't always been this way. I tried for many years as a consultant to YOU to explain the importance of treating your employees with dignity and respect. I encouraged you to speak clearly and to the point, to avoid endless hours of PowerPoint, buzzwords and meaningless jargon like "our employees are our most valuable asset." I was sincere in my efforts as I coached your managers and explained the importance of providing objective, developmental feedback to employees that was based on observable behavior, not personal generalizations. I encouraged you to be open with your business strategy so that your employees could contribute ideas to grow your company.

After ten years, I give up. I was banging my head against the wall trying to find ethical, creative ways to train your employees on the merits of your forced ranking compensation plan. No amount of creativity could overcome the fact that it is a stupid idea and does nothing but create an environment of competition, politics and resentment. Whoever sold you on that idea was wrong.

So now I want to help your employees leave and start their own business. Regain control of their life. Feel blood pumping in their veins and excitement in their chest as they wake up each day. I honestly wish that it were possible for them to feel that inside your company. But things have gotten so convoluted that I honestly don't think it is possible unless you take some drastic steps:

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GBAT: Score High and Cry

Due to the overwhelming response to my article about bozosity, I've created the GBAT (Guy's Bozofication Aptitude Test). It is a compilation of the best indicators of whether a company is sliding into bozosity. I've included the names of the people who came up with some of these ideas. In some cases, I took their idea and altered it for my use.

Please feel free to apply this test to your company and post the score and company name--anonymously, of course--in the comments area. Here is a PDF of the test in case you want to print it or forward it--just click on it to download.

Add one point for each

1. The two most popular words in your company are “partner” and “strategic.” In addition, “partner” has become a verb, and “strategic” is used to describe decisions and activities that don't make sense.

2. Management has two-day offsites at places like the Ritz Carlton to foster communication and to craft a company mission statement.

3. The aforementioned company mission statement contains more than twenty words--two of which are “partner” and “strategic.”

4. Your CEO's admin has an admin.

5. Your parking lot's “biorhythm” looks like this:

* 8:00 am - 10:00 am--Japanese cars exceed German cars
* 10:00 am - 5:00 pm--German cars exceed Japanese cars
* 5:00 pm - 10:00 pm--Japanese cars exceed German cars

6. Your HR department requires an MBA degree for any position; it also requires five to ten years work experience in an industry that is only four years old.

7. Time is now considered more important than money so you have a company cafeteria, health club, and pet grooming service. Moreover, the first thing that employees show visitors is the company cafeteria, health club, and pet grooming service.

8. Someone whose music sells in the iTunes store performs at the company Christmas party.

9. An employee is paid to do nothing but write a blog.

10. Some employees read this blog to find out what's happening in the company.

11. The success of a competitor upsets you more than the loss of a customer.

12. Your middle managers all worked at big-name consumer goods companies. Zoli Erdo

13. You hire a big-name consulting firm who brings in MBAs with one year of experience to re-think your corporate strategies.

14. Your company likes some of these MBAs and hires them away from the big-name consulting firm.

15. The front-desk staff gets better looking and less competent. Jeff Barson

16. The only time you see your CEO is when you're watching CNBC. Laurie Sefton

17. You watch CNBC during the day and don't feel guilty.

18. The ratio of engineers to attorneys dips below 25 to 1. Margherite

19. The company has created a “company values” poster. George

20. “Leveraging core competencies” and “maximizing shareholder value” show up in official documents, in the same paragraph. Rick Krutina

21. New executives campaign to improve the product before they understand how to use it. Bill Liao

22. Your company outsources its mission statement. pUnk

23. Your CEO's chair is more expensive than your first car. JoeC

24. You have more than two execs with the word “chief” in their title. Gautam

25. The company becomes a schwag fountain: pens, bags, notepads, messenger bags. Hadley Stern

Add two points for each

26. Your CEO writes a book.

27. Your CEO gets invited to the World Economic Forum in Davos where he gives advice to the presidents of Eastern European countries.

28. Your company has a corporate jet.

29. Your company hired a retired professional athlete as a motivational speaker.

30. Your company hired a retired politician as a motivational speaker

The highest possible score is 35 points. God help you...

How to Prevent a Bozo Explosion

It's depressing to watch a mean, lean, fighting machine of a company deteriorate into mediocracy. In Silicon Valley we call this process the “bozo explosion.” This downward slide seems inevitable after a company achieves success--often during the years immediately following an IPO. The purpose of this article is to prevent, or at least postpone, this process in your company.

The first step is to determine whether a bozo explosion is happening. Here are the top ten signs of bozosity to help you decide.

1. The two most popular words in your company are “partner” and “strategic.” In addition, “partner” has become a verb, and “strategic” is used to describe decisions and activities that don't make sense.

2. Management has two-day offsites at places like the Ritz Carlton to foster communication and to craft a company mission statement.

3. The aforementioned company mission statement contains more than twenty words--two of which are “partner” and “strategic.”

4. Your CEO's admin has an admin.

5. Your parking lot's “biorhythm” looks like this:

• 8:00 am - 10:00 am--Japanese cars exceed German cars
• 10:00 am - 5:00 pm--German cars exceed Japanese cars
• 5:00 pm - 10:00 pm--Japanese cars exceed German cars

6. Your HR department requires an MBA degree for any position; it also requires five to ten years work experience in an industry that is only four years old.

7. Time is now considered more important than money so you have a company cafeteria, health club, and pet grooming service. Moreover, the first thing that employees show visitors is the company cafeteria, health club, and pet grooming service.

8. Someone whose music sells in the iTunes music store performs at the company Christmas party.

9. An employee is paid to do nothing but write a blog.

10. The success of a competitor upsets you more than the loss of a customer.

(If you've seen other signs of the slide to bozosity, leave them as a comment, and I'll append to this list.)

Addendumbs (sic) to the list from readers:

11. You have a layer of middle management who worked at big-name companies (usually consumer goods) who like to call meetings and designate “project leads.” (I experienced this first hand.) Zoli Erdo

12. Your hire a big name consulting firm who brings in MBAs with one year of experience to re-think your corporate strategies.

13. The front-desk staff gets better looking and less competent. Jeff Barson

14. Your CEO or CFO spends more time on CNBC than in the office. Laurie Sefton

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Did you gulp? Don't sweat it: you're not alone. In fact, you'd be alone if you weren't going through the slide. Here's what you can do about the situation:

• Insist that managers hire better than themselves. For example, an engineering manager should hire a programmer who is a better programmer than she is, not worse. By the way, this principle starts at the level of the board of directors when hiring the CEO.
• Eradicate arrogance. Arrogance manifests itself in two principal areas: first, when your employees describe the competition using terms like “clueless,” “bozo” (ironically), or just plain “stupid.” Second, when your employees start believing in “manifest destiny”--that is, that your company deserves, and will achieve, total market domination. Your competition probably isn't stupid, and trees don't grow to the sky.
• Understaff. Hire fewer people than you're “sure” you need to accommodate that hockey-stick growth you're “sure” you're going to achieve. When you're in a rush to fill openings to respond to growth, you make mistakes. Unfortunately, many companies adopt the attitude of “Hire any intelligent body, or we'll lose business--we'll sort everything out later.”
• Undergrow. This is the flip side of under-staffing. I am suggesting intentionally forgoing sales. Staying small and fine is a perfectly acceptable management policy. At the very least, calculate the entire impact on head count of getting that additional sale, new line of business, or acquisition.
• Look beyond the resume. The goal of hiring is building a team of great employees. One proxy for a great employee is a relevant educational or work background. However, the perceived “right” educational background and work experience are not sufficient conditions for excellence. Hiring a bozo with the “right” resume can drag down other employees and increase the probability of hiring more bozos. Not hiring a great person because she lacks the “right” resume is not as harmful but is a mistake too.
• Diversify. Some companies look like the corporate version of the Stepford Wives: people are too similar. For example, everyone has a PhD. Everyone grew up in a white, upper-middleclass family. Everyone went to an Ivy League school. It's a bunch of Me and Mini-Mes. When this happens, it means that form is overruling function, and the way people succeed is by representing the right form, not excelling at the right function. That's back asswards.
• Merge and purge. You owe it to your employees to take corrective action, and, if necessary, terminate people as soon as issues come to light. You may be thinking, “Let's wait and see; maybe he'll improve; our numbers are still great, etc.,” but this is unfair to everyone involved. If there's a problem, fix it. If you can't fix it, then make it an “exployee”--thereby, establishing performance excellence as a corporate standard.

Written at: America West, flight #567, seat 4B, Phoenix to Orlando